Just to be alive

I don’t know if I’m ok. One day I am, the next I’m not. Sometimes there is a trigger and other times there aren’t. But overall, I am exhausted, not tired but exhausted of having to deal with the unpredictability of it all. I am tired of feeling terrible, of the lack of energy, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and overall crap that my mind and body goes through every single second of the day.

I’ve realised that now I am living in such a way that I am doing things not as part of a routine but as prevention. Do this so that doesn’t happen. Don’t do this so this happens. I have multiple mental to-dos and checklists that I sometimes can’t keep up with or can’t follow through on. Living for me takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of planning, treatment and sensitivity. And sometimes I want to give up. I don’t want to take the pain to live pain-free. I want to just not exist so that I can be free.

I thought I’d be ok by now but sadly that isn’t the case. There is so much yet to be done and so many more mountains to climb – I need to sleep, I need to dream good dreams, lose weight, be healthy, be at peace, rest when I need to, have normal relationships, believe and love myself, have energy to do the everyday things – basically live a normal life. And I can’t do it alone.

On A Good Day

On a good day I wake up rested, encouraged to face the day and have faith that everything will be okay.

On a good day, I able to focus on my job, on positive thoughts, a book or even a song.

On a good day I am not triggered, not haunted by the things of my past whether asleep or awake.

On a good day, I shower, cook a meal, pack my lunch and wash the dishes.

On a good day I can make my bed, wear clean clothes, do the laundry, brush my teeth and put one feet in front of other.

On a good day I have the energy to walk from the car to my apartment without dragging myself after a long day at work.

On a good day I am able to do the groceries, put them all where they need to be, clean the house, and be wherever I need to be.

On a good day, I feel like leaving the house and actually do what I want to without stopping halfway and crawling back into bed.

On a good day, I connect with a friend, have a conversation and encourage someone that isn’t me.

On a good day I do not worry about what was, what is and what’s yet to be.

On a good day I smile and feel hopeful.

A good day is rare and so I make the best of it.