Questions of Compassions

Recently I’ve been reflecting on the quote “Leave the past behind you.” I don’t know if I believe in it or if it is something that is even possible for some of us. Trauma knows no way of being left behind I have learnt. It stays as much as you want it to leave. It stays in our subconscious, our mannerisms and most importantly the way we perceive things.

I used to be someone that I no longer am because of the past. It changes us. And then there are some of us who just wallow in our past, internalizing everything because there is no way of letting it out or talking about it. I guess that’s because no one asks us. When I say “ask” I don’t mean the interrogative questions or the ones where we are simply asked because people like to know our business but rather the compassionate questions. These are the questions that best come from family, loved ones and friends – the people who care about us.

This brings to that wretched quote .. ever tried opening up about your experience to simply have someone blatantly say ”  let’s not talk about it. Leave the past behind?” I for one wish that person would disappear that very moment. Just when you are looking for a way to channel those feelings and hope that someone would listen and understand you are asked to shut up. It’s the worst feeling ever because suddenly it feels like your story is not worth being heard and that nobody gives a shit.

I think people often forget that talking about something we’ve been through is healing. It allows all that pain that is resting inside us, come out. It gives an opportunity to be heard, valued, validated and advocated for. It’s important. It’s necessary. Sometimes it’s everything.

Every survivor wants to feel cared for after they come out of something traumatic. Yes, they are starting a new chapter in their life but one can’t just start fresh without being validated for what they’ve been through. Pain needs closure as does every end to something broken and not just from a counsellor or a lawyer but from the people you call your own, including the new people you welcome into your life. We want them to know where we’ve been, who we are because of that and indirectly yet most importantly how much love and support we need and desire. We want to be told, ” You’ve been through so much.” We want to be asked ” How are you, really? How can I help? What do you need? Are you okay?” And more often than not we want to hear the words ” Tell me your story.” Because that in itself is so liberating, so encouraging and speaks a thousand words of care and acknowledgement.

So if you know someone who has been through hell and back don’t love them with silence. Ask them a few questions of compassion. Show them you care, that you want to know because you want to be there for them and give them the love and support they need. Be part of the healing & the liberating.

Dreaming

It’s been 5 years since I left my abuser but I still dream of him. They aren’t nice dreams. They are nightmares. The scene is always one where I am trying to get away from him, confide in someone to help me escape and hope he doesn’t hurt me.

If the dream isn’t about him then it’s about convincing someone that I was abused. And if it isn’t about that it’s about reaching out to loved ones when I am in danger only to find that they are attentive to everything but me.

I thought these haunting reflections of the past would leave me by now but they still linger and it makes me sad. This goes to show how so much of what we go through resides in our hearts and minds even though we have moved on. It also speaks volumes about how much trauma affects us even when we aren’t looking. Like a thief it comes to steal our peace and joy, hiding in the darkest corners of our beings only to never leave.

So what do we do to make it stop? We can’t control what’s been done or what our loved ones should do. We can only yearn. We can only feel what we feel when we open our eyes and hope that all one day pain ends and joy truly begins.

Just to be alive

I don’t know if I’m ok. One day I am, the next I’m not. Sometimes there is a trigger and other times there aren’t. But overall, I am exhausted, not tired but exhausted of having to deal with the unpredictability of it all. I am tired of feeling terrible, of the lack of energy, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and overall crap that my mind and body goes through every single second of the day.

I’ve realised that now I am living in such a way that I am doing things not as part of a routine but as prevention. Do this so that doesn’t happen. Don’t do this so this happens. I have multiple mental to-dos and checklists that I sometimes can’t keep up with or can’t follow through on. Living for me takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of planning, treatment and sensitivity. And sometimes I want to give up. I don’t want to take the pain to live pain-free. I want to just not exist so that I can be free.

I thought I’d be ok by now but sadly that isn’t the case. There is so much yet to be done and so many more mountains to climb – I need to sleep, I need to dream good dreams, lose weight, be healthy, be at peace, rest when I need to, have normal relationships, believe and love myself, have energy to do the everyday things – basically live a normal life. And I can’t do it alone.

On A Good Day

On a good day I wake up rested, encouraged to face the day and have faith that everything will be okay.

On a good day, I able to focus on my job, on positive thoughts, a book or even a song.

On a good day I am not triggered, not haunted by the things of my past whether asleep or awake.

On a good day, I shower, cook a meal, pack my lunch and wash the dishes.

On a good day I can make my bed, wear clean clothes, do the laundry, brush my teeth and put one feet in front of other.

On a good day I have the energy to walk from the car to my apartment without dragging myself after a long day at work.

On a good day I am able to do the groceries, put them all where they need to be, clean the house, and be wherever I need to be.

On a good day, I feel like leaving the house and actually do what I want to without stopping halfway and crawling back into bed.

On a good day, I connect with a friend, have a conversation and encourage someone that isn’t me.

On a good day I do not worry about what was, what is and what’s yet to be.

On a good day I smile and feel hopeful.

A good day is rare and so I make the best of it.

Seeds

I haven’t been doing very well. My therapist asked me to increase my anti depressant dosage too. But you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay that in the middle of trying to live a normal life I freak out. It’s okay that I panic when I don’t know how to do something at work or wonder if I’m doing something right. It’s okay when I pass by my ex’s house and remember all the terrible things he did to me in the parking lot. It’s okay that there on wards I have flash backs of other broken relationship moments. It’s okay. It’s all okay.

In the midst of our healing stuff like this happens. One day all is good and we feel like we’ve moved upwards and onwards and the next day, we’re in a pit. A deep pit, unable to get out. But the key is to wake up everyday and and try. The gift is to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is, to embrace our feelings for what they are and to face what we fear. We’re human and memories come and go. Things or people may trigger us and we may feel like shit for a day or a week or more but all we can do is face it, live it out until it passes and we feel better again.

They say ignorance is bliss but every time I try to forget or push something away that meets me head on in my head, it comes back to haunt me double fold. It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s exhausting. I’m not sure what to do or what the solution is to healing now and forever. All I know is that I am alive and this is my second chance and I am living it. All I know is that I will take it one moment at a time and do my very best. When I cant, I’ll say that I can’t and take a break or pass. I accept that I am not the next door girl. I am different. I am changed by my experiences and that’s okay. I am vulnerable yet strong, sensitive yet fierce, anxious yet brave, down yet in spirit. I am a mix of things every day and I don’t need to make sense of it. You don’t need to make sense of it. Just pick up the pieces that they left us in and renovate. Just be you as you are. We don’t need to be the people who didn’t go through we did. We don’t. We need to live within our element. That’s the beauty. The beauty is living broken and out of brokenness and not just inspiring others but inspiring ourselves. The beauty and joy is looking back days or weeks or months or years from now and being proud of how far we’ve come when we thought we couldn’t make it at all.

Like the Mexican Proverb reads “They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.”

People

To the people that treated me like I was “less valuable than they were”; I stood up for myself and “they” decided that I was not worth it. They decided that they would rather live in the old system. They lost me. What did I lose? I lost the oppression, I lost the constant disapproval. I gained freedom and a new love and respect for myself. I learned to look at relationships in a whole new way, and to value my children as individuals. In the end, things are pretty dang good! Darlene Ouimet

Be Brave

How are you doing? What are you feeling? Really.

I’m stressed out to be honest. It’s been two weeks since I started my new job that I previously blogged about and it’s been good. But it’s also been hard. I go to bed every night hoping the next day will be okay to say the least. And I think I do well. I do well because I wake up and face the day. I take the effort to do something that scares the hell out of me. But I still do it and I try and it makes a difference. My boss appreciates me and when she does I feel much better about myself and life. I feel like I’m one step closer to arriving, to being a normal human being in this crazy world.

I feel it when I forget to take my meds. The anxiety creeps in and at times even depression. But I’m doing alright I think. And I’m believing it only gets better. I thank God that my boss is a lovely lady. It helps with calming my issues of authority.

It’s hard to believe sometimes that I have a job, that I go to a desk every morning to use my unique skills and am no longer cooped in a rotten house. It’s hard to live out the reality as well because it’s so new to me, so different from just obeying someone’s rules personally and otherwise. And as much as I’m scared inside everyday I know I am capable. And I tell myself…

Silence

So I started a new job yesterday. It’s a huge step for me because it’s about change and transitioning into something unknown. I haven’t told anyone that I got a job because I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t believe in myself enough. I’m scared that I might give up before I even try enough. I’m scared my anxiety will get to me before the processes of work do. I’m scared I’ll screw up and want to quit like I usually do. 

But I’m trying. I did it yesterday. I got through day one and though I came home wondering if I did everything right I know shouldn’t have to feel this way. But I can’t help it. This is life after abuse. We get paranoid and hyper ventilate about everything related to us. We become dependant beings even though we are survivors. We crave to be loved and accepted. We yearn to told we are worthy and that we have what it takes. Because it’s always been otherwise. 

I’m hoping by the end of this month I won’t be a quitter. I hope I’ll feel like I can do this. I took my sos anxiety meds last night to help me sleep and keep calm. I took it mostly to feel normal as any human on their first day of work would. Not over the top anxious and full of fear. 

So if you’re attempting something new in your life after abuse, I’m walking the road with you. Not everyone will understand what goes on inside our hearts and minds while we try to be strong for ourselves yet again. Only we do, for ourselves and for each other. But above all, I hope you and I can rise above fear just one more time. I hope we can do something good for ourselves yet again. I hope, I hope. I hope. 

Starting over

Dear ex – husband

It’s been a while since we’ve spoken and I don’t care if you’re doing okay. I wonder though, if you can finally sleep at night after everything you’ve done. How do you live with the lies and the deceit. How do you do it?

I’m still angry at you for everything you did to me and are still doing to me even though you aren’t near me. I want to forgive and forget but I don’t know when I could ever forgive you and forgetting, haha, that can’t ever happen. Even if I don’t think of you, you suck the life out of my dreams. You show up even still, in the light of who I always knew you to be.

Sometimes I wish I could have left my brains behind along with everything else that I couldn’t take with me when I left you. But then again, I’m grateful I have my mind for the sake of the lessons I’ve learnt.

I used to thank you before, thank you for making me strong and making me the person I am today. And then I realised you deserve no credit. I did it! I am who I am today because of my self, my strength and my courage. Not you.

And oh, what unwelcoming things you have left me with – anxiety, depression, paranoia, stress, insecurity, sadness, anger. Shouldn’t you be the bearer of it all? 

Every time I get asked why I am on medication, or why I never completed my education I want to take a microphone and scream out loud, “because of you!” Every time I grieve the loss of my living mother and the years of my life that have been wasted, I think of you.

I’ve moved on but I’m still broken. I’m happy but I still struggle. I fight but I still feel weak. I live but some days I don’t want to. I don’t trust people enough, I don’t love enough, I don’t believe myself enough. I worry more than I should. I cry more than I should. I give the people I love a hard time. Because of you. All because of you.

And the lies youve told the world about me, the ones you declared with tears, YOU know more than anyone it isn’t true. But you still lied to protect yourself and you still do.

I still blame myself for the mistakes I made but never for the abuse I suffered at your hands. I barely made it through but I made it and even better I made it out of there, out of your impossible grip. I made it. I did. Can you believe it?

Because of you I lost my years, my friends, my family. Because of you I hurt people who understood me. Because of you I put people in situations they didn’t deserve to be in.

But in spite of all the pain I’m still in I hope you got the help you needed and I hope you have the gal to be honest about yourself. I hope you know that what you did to me and many other innocent people isn’t okay, isn’t justifiable and isn’t forgotten. It lives in us and always will. We are a testament of survival, courage and strength.

They say people like you never change  but for the sake of those around you, I hope you do. I’ve changed because of you. I’m fighting to change back into who I’m meant to be. Free of what you made me. I don’t know how. But I know I will.