People

To the people that treated me like I was “less valuable than they were”; I stood up for myself and “they” decided that I was not worth it. They decided that they would rather live in the old system. They lost me. What did I lose? I lost the oppression, I lost the constant disapproval. I gained freedom and a new love and respect for myself. I learned to look at relationships in a whole new way, and to value my children as individuals. In the end, things are pretty dang good! Darlene Ouimet

The Importance of Family

Perhaps the most heartbreaking part of any story of abuse is when the survivor doesn’t get the support and justice he/she needs. This is true to my life and I’m sure for so many of you too.

The one person I wanted when I was in the midst of pain was my mom. Growing up, my dad was an alcoholic and every time she screamed out for me when she suspected danger I ran to her side. I was mostly terrified but I did what I had to. I showed up.

When I first reached out to my mother about my ex’s abusive tendencies I got the cold shoulder. I got the silent treatment. The you-have-to-make-this work tone. I made a mistake marrying this man. I ignored the warning signs and now I needed to rectify that mistake the best way I knew how. But she wasn’t going to help me the way I wanted her to. I already screwed up my life and now I had to figure it out myself. I had to behave, adjust, compromise, pray. I guess I had to take his shit.  No freaking way.

I tried. I tried to explain myself. I tried but in vain. My folks showed up. But then they also left. They left me behind. Nothing I could say or do would make anyone understand or support me to simply go back home. Perhaps they thought I was a child and that I needed to listen to them even more now that I made such a huge mistake.

In my six years of marriage I reached out to my dad once and my mom a couple of more times. I told her that was raped, that I was going to go to the cops. I showed her my bruises. I told her how he was treating me and how I suspected his affair. But she just asked me to pray. She told me that men made mistakes and that they have needs wives need to fulfill. To her marital rape didn’t exist and abuse was a state of denial. Perhaps this is because she stuck around with my dad when she was being abused. She expected me to do the same. To hold the fort up and to take all the blows while doing so.

It broke me to see her react this way to me. I needed her. I was desperate for her support. I wanted to her to see my pain the way I saw hers and support my decision to walk out of a dangerous, abusive situation. But she wanted me to stay. And I stayed because I had no choice but I wasn’t going to give up on the quest to leave eventually.

My story turned very twisted after I saw that there was no room for help from family. I turned to church folks and leaders. And when they didn’t understand. And then I turned to my husband’s friends. And that didn’t turn out too well because emotions crept in. They saw a damsel in distress and I responded with great yearning for attention. It turned out to be an emotional affair as expected. Thrice. And then disaster struck because everyone found out. The abuse escalated. My husband continued to be involved with a minor but I was the “whore” in the entire community who slipped in her attempt to escape abuse.

You see, my point is this – when the people who you expect and need to be there for you fail, you resort to other ways. Other desperate ways. Bound by a situation of hopelessness you don’t stop to think if this is the right way out. You go for it because it’s the only way out. I regret making those mistakes, giving in to emotions and affection. But I couldn’t help it either. It made me feel like I was worth more than a punch bag and sex toy. I had nothing and that gave me something to breathe about.

Eventually, not having family to take be back home, fight my cause and take my side made me reach out to this amazing woman who was so badly affected because she helped me. It nearly destroyed her life. But she did what no one else did. And I escaped. I couldn’t have done it without her support.

Till date my mother doesn’t truly stand for me. She believed my ex husband when he put on his Oscar winning show for all. ” I loved my wife and now she’s gone away with another man.” She patted his back for all to see that she wasn’t going to support her daughter because I supposedly was a disgrace and stuck by her pastor, her religious beliefs. And I continued to suffer in my quest for respite and advocacy after I left him.

It was the support of strangers and friends that helped me heal and survive. Money came from the strangest of places. Resources showed up miraculously and I made it through. I slogged my way up but I did it. Without my mother. Oh, yes she called and was terrified because i fled the country but she did it with an agenda to get me back to the man who abused me. She searched for me on his terms and with his help. She responded to their angry words “your daughter is a prostitute” with silence. And today she tells me to forgive and forget.

Maybe I have healed a lot from the pain of the past but from this, the agony of rejection from my mother, I still hurt. I hurt a lot. Because it’s still real.

Someday if I have a daughter, I have learnt that I will be to her what I have never had. I will be there for her. I will love her and support her. I will guide her and should someone dare abuse her I will be fierce in my protection.

If you are a mother I hope you do the same. I hope you believe your child, welcome her back home with no strings attached. I hope you stand by her and stand for her. I hope you be everything she needs you to be. Because in the business of abuse, there are no replacements for kith and kin.

Be Brave

How are you doing? What are you feeling? Really.

I’m stressed out to be honest. It’s been two weeks since I started my new job that I previously blogged about and it’s been good. But it’s also been hard. I go to bed every night hoping the next day will be okay to say the least. And I think I do well. I do well because I wake up and face the day. I take the effort to do something that scares the hell out of me. But I still do it and I try and it makes a difference. My boss appreciates me and when she does I feel much better about myself and life. I feel like I’m one step closer to arriving, to being a normal human being in this crazy world.

I feel it when I forget to take my meds. The anxiety creeps in and at times even depression. But I’m doing alright I think. And I’m believing it only gets better. I thank God that my boss is a lovely lady. It helps with calming my issues of authority.

It’s hard to believe sometimes that I have a job, that I go to a desk every morning to use my unique skills and am no longer cooped in a rotten house. It’s hard to live out the reality as well because it’s so new to me, so different from just obeying someone’s rules personally and otherwise. And as much as I’m scared inside everyday I know I am capable. And I tell myself…

The Church And Abuse

Did I ever mention that my ex husband is a pastor? Yup. Ironic as it may be, abuse thrives in the house of faith. Why? Possibly because it is so well hidden behind religion and God.

What pissed me off so much when I was married to my ex husband was how the church reacted. They believed what they wanted to believe, what was easier to believe i.e. a pastor cannot be abusing his wife. To make matters worse, he lied and covered up his actions like a pro and soon the lie became the truth. Everyone who knew about me being abused questioned my integrity, my story, my cry. And I, the victim became the the predator, the person who asked to be abused, the one who wasn’t all that innocent.

All of a sudden, everyone was finding fault in me, finding even the smallest of reasons to justify why he would abuse me, which they also belittled as marital discord. Everything was downplayed. Nothing was understood. No one was equipped to deal with the situation and no one cared to learn. Every leader took to their own way of handling things in spite of me pleading with them not to take to their own ways.

You can’t talk to an abuser the same way you would an angry spouse. It doesn’t work that way. The minute you question a man about his abusive tendencies he either gets defensive or puts on a facade and then later goes back home and abuses his wife even more. I know. It happened to me. The moment he found out I had told on him, I got belted. The day he realized I was trying to leave, I got strangled.  Every wrong move a well wisher made put me on the receiving end.  Every wrong method of dealing with the abuse gave my him more power to conceal what he had done, it helped his evil strategy, his master plan of pretending to be the innocent one.

And suddenly whatever he did was almost justified, became non existent. I became the liar, the adulteress, the provoker.

I don’t know if any of you are in a situation like this today. A situation where you aren’t believed. A situation where your abuser is seen as the victim, the nice guy and you are the horrid, irresponsible wife. I don’t know if you have been let down by the church who wants you stay in a dangerous situation rather than supporting your decision to leave. I don’t know if you’ve lost faith in all of humanity because of this. But if you are in such a situation know this.. what you are going through is real, its true and it is worthy of help. You are not a lie, you are not the cause of your pain and what your abuser is doing to you is not okay.

As you strive to make it through another day believe in yourself, find a way to find people who believe you, who are equipped to help you and reach for the freedom you so deserve. Tomorrow you will be a ray of hope to someone who has been in a situation we have been in. I write this today to let you know that you are not alone. And someday you will do the same for someone else.

Their lies will never become the truth. Period.

 

Why It’s Necessary to Quit Sometimes

So it’s been quite the challenge coming back home and trying to re-integrate myself into community. The job search was endless and I was almost regretting moving back after almost four years in New Delhi.

I ended up getting a job offer that I wasn’t too keen on but that I tried out for a few days. Until I QUIT! In a day and age where more people are losing their jobs than gaining, I got asked to try and stick it out. And I almost did until I had a revelation.

I liked the job as such but my boss was a temperamental woman who didn’t necessarily treat her staff very well. Desperate for employment, I tried so hard to adjust to her moods and manner of working but I couldn’t sleep well at night, was miserable and exhausted beyond measure. I went back and forth about whether I should keep the job or not considering that I needed it so badly. But one day I just walked out and left. I decided that I didn’t get out of an abusive situation to walk into another stupid one of sorts.

Today Im proud of myself. I’m glad that unlike 10 years ago where I just ignored my intuition and went along with whatever came my way, I took a stand this time. I decided I wasn’t going to settle for less that I deserved. I told myself that I deserved to be treated with dignity and respect even at my workplace. I told myself that even if I was in a desperate situation I knew better than to get myself into something that I would later regret.

I guess this is one of those valuable lessons we learn after being in an abusive relationship. We learn that we have an identity, that we are precious and that we are worthy of being treated well wherever we are. Yes, there is a high tendency to walk into an abusive situation over again because we’ve been there before but there comes a point where we break the cycle and realise that we have learnt much too well.

Never settle for less wherever you are. Never feel like you have to cope with someone else’s shit and never feel like you have to bow down to anyone’s pride and ego. You are better than that. You have been there before. You know what it amounts to. I’m glad I quit that stupid job where I was constantly walking on egg shells all over again. Loving myself enough to ask for better has only led me to receive a better job today with a leader (not a boss) who respects and appreciates me as her equal.

Take the leap of faith always. Don’t cope, or endure or silently suffer any kind of mistreatment. If there is anything that we have learnt from what we have been through before, it is this. Make that hell of an experience worth your while. Use it to teach you to never let anyone else treat you less than you deserve.

Silence

So I started a new job yesterday. It’s a huge step for me because it’s about change and transitioning into something unknown. I haven’t told anyone that I got a job because I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t believe in myself enough. I’m scared that I might give up before I even try enough. I’m scared my anxiety will get to me before the processes of work do. I’m scared I’ll screw up and want to quit like I usually do. 

But I’m trying. I did it yesterday. I got through day one and though I came home wondering if I did everything right I know shouldn’t have to feel this way. But I can’t help it. This is life after abuse. We get paranoid and hyper ventilate about everything related to us. We become dependant beings even though we are survivors. We crave to be loved and accepted. We yearn to told we are worthy and that we have what it takes. Because it’s always been otherwise. 

I’m hoping by the end of this month I won’t be a quitter. I hope I’ll feel like I can do this. I took my sos anxiety meds last night to help me sleep and keep calm. I took it mostly to feel normal as any human on their first day of work would. Not over the top anxious and full of fear. 

So if you’re attempting something new in your life after abuse, I’m walking the road with you. Not everyone will understand what goes on inside our hearts and minds while we try to be strong for ourselves yet again. Only we do, for ourselves and for each other. But above all, I hope you and I can rise above fear just one more time. I hope we can do something good for ourselves yet again. I hope, I hope. I hope. 

Starting over

Dear ex – husband

It’s been a while since we’ve spoken and I don’t care if you’re doing okay. I wonder though, if you can finally sleep at night after everything you’ve done. How do you live with the lies and the deceit. How do you do it?

I’m still angry at you for everything you did to me and are still doing to me even though you aren’t near me. I want to forgive and forget but I don’t know when I could ever forgive you and forgetting, haha, that can’t ever happen. Even if I don’t think of you, you suck the life out of my dreams. You show up even still, in the light of who I always knew you to be.

Sometimes I wish I could have left my brains behind along with everything else that I couldn’t take with me when I left you. But then again, I’m grateful I have my mind for the sake of the lessons I’ve learnt.

I used to thank you before, thank you for making me strong and making me the person I am today. And then I realised you deserve no credit. I did it! I am who I am today because of my self, my strength and my courage. Not you.

And oh, what unwelcoming things you have left me with – anxiety, depression, paranoia, stress, insecurity, sadness, anger. Shouldn’t you be the bearer of it all? 

Every time I get asked why I am on medication, or why I never completed my education I want to take a microphone and scream out loud, “because of you!” Every time I grieve the loss of my living mother and the years of my life that have been wasted, I think of you.

I’ve moved on but I’m still broken. I’m happy but I still struggle. I fight but I still feel weak. I live but some days I don’t want to. I don’t trust people enough, I don’t love enough, I don’t believe myself enough. I worry more than I should. I cry more than I should. I give the people I love a hard time. Because of you. All because of you.

And the lies youve told the world about me, the ones you declared with tears, YOU know more than anyone it isn’t true. But you still lied to protect yourself and you still do.

I still blame myself for the mistakes I made but never for the abuse I suffered at your hands. I barely made it through but I made it and even better I made it out of there, out of your impossible grip. I made it. I did. Can you believe it?

Because of you I lost my years, my friends, my family. Because of you I hurt people who understood me. Because of you I put people in situations they didn’t deserve to be in.

But in spite of all the pain I’m still in I hope you got the help you needed and I hope you have the gal to be honest about yourself. I hope you know that what you did to me and many other innocent people isn’t okay, isn’t justifiable and isn’t forgotten. It lives in us and always will. We are a testament of survival, courage and strength.

They say people like you never change  but for the sake of those around you, I hope you do. I’ve changed because of you. I’m fighting to change back into who I’m meant to be. Free of what you made me. I don’t know how. But I know I will. 
 

Warning Signs

It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners.

If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call or chat online with an advocate to talk about what’s going on.

• Telling you that you can never do anything right
• Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away
• Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members
• Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs
• Controlling every penny spent in the household
• Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
• Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
• Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
• Preventing you from making your own decisions
• Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
• Preventing you from working or attending school
• Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
• Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
• Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
• Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol

Source: http://www.thehotline.org/2013/06/50-obstacles-to-leaving-11-20/

Never excuse abuse

Never let broken people break you. No form of abuse should ever be acceptable in your life. Don’t get comfortable in excusing their behavior. – Trenton Shelten