It’s been 5 years since I left my abuser but I still dream of him. They aren’t nice dreams. They are nightmares. The scene is always one where I am trying to get away from him, confide in someone to help me escape and hope he doesn’t hurt me.
If the dream isn’t about him then it’s about convincing someone that I was abused. And if it isn’t about that it’s about reaching out to loved ones when I am in danger only to find that they are attentive to everything but me.
I thought these haunting reflections of the past would leave me by now but they still linger and it makes me sad. This goes to show how so much of what we go through resides in our hearts and minds even though we have moved on. It also speaks volumes about how much trauma affects us even when we aren’t looking. Like a thief it comes to steal our peace and joy, hiding in the darkest corners of our beings only to never leave.
So what do we do to make it stop? We can’t control what’s been done or what our loved ones should do. We can only yearn. We can only feel what we feel when we open our eyes and hope that all one day pain ends and joy truly begins.
Memoirs of a survivor 