What is Gaslighting? And How I Overcame It.

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Ever heard of gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse where someone manipulates another individual into doubting their own reality or sanity.

A few examples of what gaslighters may say:
❗️you’re crazy
❗️you’re imagining things
❗️it was just a joke
❗️you’re overreacting
❗️I don’t know what you’re talking about
❗️no one will believe you because it never happened
❗️it’s no big deal
❗️they’re lying (everyone else)
❗️you’re not thinking straight
❗️I never did that
❗️don’t make things up

For years I was gaslit by my abuser on the daily. I often found myself discounting my thoughts, what I experienced, saw, heard & even wondered if I was crazy or hallucinating.

It was only when I stumbled upon an article online did I become aware of what was truly being done to me.

It’s not easy breaking free from a gaslighting dynamic because the perpetrator is so powerful in confusing you and your thoughts but these 2 things helped me differentiate the truth from his lies:
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🔑 journaling – every time I was harmed I’d write it down if I could so that when my abuser attempted to gaslight me later I’d have my words as reference that what had happened was indeed true
🔑 telling a loved one – while not everyone understood what gaslighting was I’d bounce my thoughts off someone I trusted or reconfirmed events with someone who may have been there when a negative incident took place

8 years after my own experience of gaslighting, I’ve learnt to never distrust my own perceptions, and have come a long way in listening to my intuition. Yes, healing can be challenging, and learning to trust yourself and others feels like taking a big leap into the unknown. But believing yourself is a muscle: the more you practice, the stronger you get.

To every victim, if I could tell you just one thing it is simply this: Believe in yourself. And know that we all have the power to heal after a relationship where gaslighting was present.

Questions of Compassions

Recently I’ve been reflecting on the quote “Leave the past behind you.” I don’t know if I believe in it or if it is something that is even possible for some of us. Trauma knows no way of being left behind I have learnt. It stays as much as you want it to leave. It stays in our subconscious, our mannerisms and most importantly the way we perceive things.

I used to be someone that I no longer am because of the past. It changes us. And then there are some of us who just wallow in our past, internalizing everything because there is no way of letting it out or talking about it. I guess that’s because no one asks us. When I say “ask” I don’t mean the interrogative questions or the ones where we are simply asked because people like to know our business but rather the compassionate questions. These are the questions that best come from family, loved ones and friends – the people who care about us.

This brings to that wretched quote .. ever tried opening up about your experience to simply have someone blatantly say ”  let’s not talk about it. Leave the past behind?” I for one wish that person would disappear that very moment. Just when you are looking for a way to channel those feelings and hope that someone would listen and understand you are asked to shut up. It’s the worst feeling ever because suddenly it feels like your story is not worth being heard and that nobody gives a shit.

I think people often forget that talking about something we’ve been through is healing. It allows all that pain that is resting inside us, come out. It gives an opportunity to be heard, valued, validated and advocated for. It’s important. It’s necessary. Sometimes it’s everything.

Every survivor wants to feel cared for after they come out of something traumatic. Yes, they are starting a new chapter in their life but one can’t just start fresh without being validated for what they’ve been through. Pain needs closure as does every end to something broken and not just from a counsellor or a lawyer but from the people you call your own, including the new people you welcome into your life. We want them to know where we’ve been, who we are because of that and indirectly yet most importantly how much love and support we need and desire. We want to be told, ” You’ve been through so much.” We want to be asked ” How are you, really? How can I help? What do you need? Are you okay?” And more often than not we want to hear the words ” Tell me your story.” Because that in itself is so liberating, so encouraging and speaks a thousand words of care and acknowledgement.

So if you know someone who has been through hell and back don’t love them with silence. Ask them a few questions of compassion. Show them you care, that you want to know because you want to be there for them and give them the love and support they need. Be part of the healing & the liberating.

Dreaming

It’s been 5 years since I left my abuser but I still dream of him. They aren’t nice dreams. They are nightmares. The scene is always one where I am trying to get away from him, confide in someone to help me escape and hope he doesn’t hurt me.

If the dream isn’t about him then it’s about convincing someone that I was abused. And if it isn’t about that it’s about reaching out to loved ones when I am in danger only to find that they are attentive to everything but me.

I thought these haunting reflections of the past would leave me by now but they still linger and it makes me sad. This goes to show how so much of what we go through resides in our hearts and minds even though we have moved on. It also speaks volumes about how much trauma affects us even when we aren’t looking. Like a thief it comes to steal our peace and joy, hiding in the darkest corners of our beings only to never leave.

So what do we do to make it stop? We can’t control what’s been done or what our loved ones should do. We can only yearn. We can only feel what we feel when we open our eyes and hope that all one day pain ends and joy truly begins.

Just to be alive

I don’t know if I’m ok. One day I am, the next I’m not. Sometimes there is a trigger and other times there aren’t. But overall, I am exhausted, not tired but exhausted of having to deal with the unpredictability of it all. I am tired of feeling terrible, of the lack of energy, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and overall crap that my mind and body goes through every single second of the day.

I’ve realised that now I am living in such a way that I am doing things not as part of a routine but as prevention. Do this so that doesn’t happen. Don’t do this so this happens. I have multiple mental to-dos and checklists that I sometimes can’t keep up with or can’t follow through on. Living for me takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of planning, treatment and sensitivity. And sometimes I want to give up. I don’t want to take the pain to live pain-free. I want to just not exist so that I can be free.

I thought I’d be ok by now but sadly that isn’t the case. There is so much yet to be done and so many more mountains to climb – I need to sleep, I need to dream good dreams, lose weight, be healthy, be at peace, rest when I need to, have normal relationships, believe and love myself, have energy to do the everyday things – basically live a normal life. And I can’t do it alone.

On A Good Day

On a good day I wake up rested, encouraged to face the day and have faith that everything will be okay.

On a good day, I able to focus on my job, on positive thoughts, a book or even a song.

On a good day I am not triggered, not haunted by the things of my past whether asleep or awake.

On a good day, I shower, cook a meal, pack my lunch and wash the dishes.

On a good day I can make my bed, wear clean clothes, do the laundry, brush my teeth and put one feet in front of other.

On a good day I have the energy to walk from the car to my apartment without dragging myself after a long day at work.

On a good day I am able to do the groceries, put them all where they need to be, clean the house, and be wherever I need to be.

On a good day, I feel like leaving the house and actually do what I want to without stopping halfway and crawling back into bed.

On a good day, I connect with a friend, have a conversation and encourage someone that isn’t me.

On a good day I do not worry about what was, what is and what’s yet to be.

On a good day I smile and feel hopeful.

A good day is rare and so I make the best of it.

People

To the people that treated me like I was “less valuable than they were”; I stood up for myself and “they” decided that I was not worth it. They decided that they would rather live in the old system. They lost me. What did I lose? I lost the oppression, I lost the constant disapproval. I gained freedom and a new love and respect for myself. I learned to look at relationships in a whole new way, and to value my children as individuals. In the end, things are pretty dang good! Darlene Ouimet

Be Brave

How are you doing? What are you feeling? Really.

I’m stressed out to be honest. It’s been two weeks since I started my new job that I previously blogged about and it’s been good. But it’s also been hard. I go to bed every night hoping the next day will be okay to say the least. And I think I do well. I do well because I wake up and face the day. I take the effort to do something that scares the hell out of me. But I still do it and I try and it makes a difference. My boss appreciates me and when she does I feel much better about myself and life. I feel like I’m one step closer to arriving, to being a normal human being in this crazy world.

I feel it when I forget to take my meds. The anxiety creeps in and at times even depression. But I’m doing alright I think. And I’m believing it only gets better. I thank God that my boss is a lovely lady. It helps with calming my issues of authority.

It’s hard to believe sometimes that I have a job, that I go to a desk every morning to use my unique skills and am no longer cooped in a rotten house. It’s hard to live out the reality as well because it’s so new to me, so different from just obeying someone’s rules personally and otherwise. And as much as I’m scared inside everyday I know I am capable. And I tell myself…

Why It’s Necessary to Quit Sometimes

So it’s been quite the challenge coming back home and trying to re-integrate myself into community. The job search was endless and I was almost regretting moving back after almost four years in New Delhi.

I ended up getting a job offer that I wasn’t too keen on but that I tried out for a few days. Until I QUIT! In a day and age where more people are losing their jobs than gaining, I got asked to try and stick it out. And I almost did until I had a revelation.

I liked the job as such but my boss was a temperamental woman who didn’t necessarily treat her staff very well. Desperate for employment, I tried so hard to adjust to her moods and manner of working but I couldn’t sleep well at night, was miserable and exhausted beyond measure. I went back and forth about whether I should keep the job or not considering that I needed it so badly. But one day I just walked out and left. I decided that I didn’t get out of an abusive situation to walk into another stupid one of sorts.

Today Im proud of myself. I’m glad that unlike 10 years ago where I just ignored my intuition and went along with whatever came my way, I took a stand this time. I decided I wasn’t going to settle for less that I deserved. I told myself that I deserved to be treated with dignity and respect even at my workplace. I told myself that even if I was in a desperate situation I knew better than to get myself into something that I would later regret.

I guess this is one of those valuable lessons we learn after being in an abusive relationship. We learn that we have an identity, that we are precious and that we are worthy of being treated well wherever we are. Yes, there is a high tendency to walk into an abusive situation over again because we’ve been there before but there comes a point where we break the cycle and realise that we have learnt much too well.

Never settle for less wherever you are. Never feel like you have to cope with someone else’s shit and never feel like you have to bow down to anyone’s pride and ego. You are better than that. You have been there before. You know what it amounts to. I’m glad I quit that stupid job where I was constantly walking on egg shells all over again. Loving myself enough to ask for better has only led me to receive a better job today with a leader (not a boss) who respects and appreciates me as her equal.

Take the leap of faith always. Don’t cope, or endure or silently suffer any kind of mistreatment. If there is anything that we have learnt from what we have been through before, it is this. Make that hell of an experience worth your while. Use it to teach you to never let anyone else treat you less than you deserve.

Never excuse abuse

Never let broken people break you. No form of abuse should ever be acceptable in your life. Don’t get comfortable in excusing their behavior. – Trenton Shelten

The way people treat us

When we are treated unfairly or unjustly we try our hardest to understand why someone would treat us that way and when we have been told that we get what we deserve or that everything that happens to us is our own fault, we look for what we did to cause it. If this brainwashing is done well, then when we are beaten black and blue, we believe that we did do something to deserve it. We will even look for what we did to deserve it. But the truth is that the way people treat us is about them.. not about us.

Darlene Ouimet Author of Emerging From Broken The beginning of hope for Emotional Healing