Just to be alive

I don’t know if I’m ok. One day I am, the next I’m not. Sometimes there is a trigger and other times there aren’t. But overall, I am exhausted, not tired but exhausted of having to deal with the unpredictability of it all. I am tired of feeling terrible, of the lack of energy, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and overall crap that my mind and body goes through every single second of the day.

I’ve realised that now I am living in such a way that I am doing things not as part of a routine but as prevention. Do this so that doesn’t happen. Don’t do this so this happens. I have multiple mental to-dos and checklists that I sometimes can’t keep up with or can’t follow through on. Living for me takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of planning, treatment and sensitivity. And sometimes I want to give up. I don’t want to take the pain to live pain-free. I want to just not exist so that I can be free.

I thought I’d be ok by now but sadly that isn’t the case. There is so much yet to be done and so many more mountains to climb – I need to sleep, I need to dream good dreams, lose weight, be healthy, be at peace, rest when I need to, have normal relationships, believe and love myself, have energy to do the everyday things – basically live a normal life. And I can’t do it alone.