Just to be alive

I don’t know if I’m ok. One day I am, the next I’m not. Sometimes there is a trigger and other times there aren’t. But overall, I am exhausted, not tired but exhausted of having to deal with the unpredictability of it all. I am tired of feeling terrible, of the lack of energy, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and overall crap that my mind and body goes through every single second of the day.

I’ve realised that now I am living in such a way that I am doing things not as part of a routine but as prevention. Do this so that doesn’t happen. Don’t do this so this happens. I have multiple mental to-dos and checklists that I sometimes can’t keep up with or can’t follow through on. Living for me takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of planning, treatment and sensitivity. And sometimes I want to give up. I don’t want to take the pain to live pain-free. I want to just not exist so that I can be free.

I thought I’d be ok by now but sadly that isn’t the case. There is so much yet to be done and so many more mountains to climb – I need to sleep, I need to dream good dreams, lose weight, be healthy, be at peace, rest when I need to, have normal relationships, believe and love myself, have energy to do the everyday things – basically live a normal life. And I can’t do it alone.

The Importance of Family

Perhaps the most heartbreaking part of any story of abuse is when the survivor doesn’t get the support and justice he/she needs. This is true to my life and I’m sure for so many of you too.

The one person I wanted when I was in the midst of pain was my mom. Growing up, my dad was an alcoholic and every time she screamed out for me when she suspected danger I ran to her side. I was mostly terrified but I did what I had to. I showed up.

When I first reached out to my mother about my ex’s abusive tendencies I got the cold shoulder. I got the silent treatment. The you-have-to-make-this work tone. I made a mistake marrying this man. I ignored the warning signs and now I needed to rectify that mistake the best way I knew how. But she wasn’t going to help me the way I wanted her to. I already screwed up my life and now I had to figure it out myself. I had to behave, adjust, compromise, pray. I guess I had to take his shit.  No freaking way.

I tried. I tried to explain myself. I tried but in vain. My folks showed up. But then they also left. They left me behind. Nothing I could say or do would make anyone understand or support me to simply go back home. Perhaps they thought I was a child and that I needed to listen to them even more now that I made such a huge mistake.

In my six years of marriage I reached out to my dad once and my mom a couple of more times. I told her that was raped, that I was going to go to the cops. I showed her my bruises. I told her how he was treating me and how I suspected his affair. But she just asked me to pray. She told me that men made mistakes and that they have needs wives need to fulfill. To her marital rape didn’t exist and abuse was a state of denial. Perhaps this is because she stuck around with my dad when she was being abused. She expected me to do the same. To hold the fort up and to take all the blows while doing so.

It broke me to see her react this way to me. I needed her. I was desperate for her support. I wanted to her to see my pain the way I saw hers and support my decision to walk out of a dangerous, abusive situation. But she wanted me to stay. And I stayed because I had no choice but I wasn’t going to give up on the quest to leave eventually.

My story turned very twisted after I saw that there was no room for help from family. I turned to church folks and leaders. And when they didn’t understand. And then I turned to my husband’s friends. And that didn’t turn out too well because emotions crept in. They saw a damsel in distress and I responded with great yearning for attention. It turned out to be an emotional affair as expected. Thrice. And then disaster struck because everyone found out. The abuse escalated. My husband continued to be involved with a minor but I was the “whore” in the entire community who slipped in her attempt to escape abuse.

You see, my point is this – when the people who you expect and need to be there for you fail, you resort to other ways. Other desperate ways. Bound by a situation of hopelessness you don’t stop to think if this is the right way out. You go for it because it’s the only way out. I regret making those mistakes, giving in to emotions and affection. But I couldn’t help it either. It made me feel like I was worth more than a punch bag and sex toy. I had nothing and that gave me something to breathe about.

Eventually, not having family to take be back home, fight my cause and take my side made me reach out to this amazing woman who was so badly affected because she helped me. It nearly destroyed her life. But she did what no one else did. And I escaped. I couldn’t have done it without her support.

Till date my mother doesn’t truly stand for me. She believed my ex husband when he put on his Oscar winning show for all. ” I loved my wife and now she’s gone away with another man.” She patted his back for all to see that she wasn’t going to support her daughter because I supposedly was a disgrace and stuck by her pastor, her religious beliefs. And I continued to suffer in my quest for respite and advocacy after I left him.

It was the support of strangers and friends that helped me heal and survive. Money came from the strangest of places. Resources showed up miraculously and I made it through. I slogged my way up but I did it. Without my mother. Oh, yes she called and was terrified because i fled the country but she did it with an agenda to get me back to the man who abused me. She searched for me on his terms and with his help. She responded to their angry words “your daughter is a prostitute” with silence. And today she tells me to forgive and forget.

Maybe I have healed a lot from the pain of the past but from this, the agony of rejection from my mother, I still hurt. I hurt a lot. Because it’s still real.

Someday if I have a daughter, I have learnt that I will be to her what I have never had. I will be there for her. I will love her and support her. I will guide her and should someone dare abuse her I will be fierce in my protection.

If you are a mother I hope you do the same. I hope you believe your child, welcome her back home with no strings attached. I hope you stand by her and stand for her. I hope you be everything she needs you to be. Because in the business of abuse, there are no replacements for kith and kin.

The Church And Abuse

Did I ever mention that my ex husband is a pastor? Yup. Ironic as it may be, abuse thrives in the house of faith. Why? Possibly because it is so well hidden behind religion and God.

What pissed me off so much when I was married to my ex husband was how the church reacted. They believed what they wanted to believe, what was easier to believe i.e. a pastor cannot be abusing his wife. To make matters worse, he lied and covered up his actions like a pro and soon the lie became the truth. Everyone who knew about me being abused questioned my integrity, my story, my cry. And I, the victim became the the predator, the person who asked to be abused, the one who wasn’t all that innocent.

All of a sudden, everyone was finding fault in me, finding even the smallest of reasons to justify why he would abuse me, which they also belittled as marital discord. Everything was downplayed. Nothing was understood. No one was equipped to deal with the situation and no one cared to learn. Every leader took to their own way of handling things in spite of me pleading with them not to take to their own ways.

You can’t talk to an abuser the same way you would an angry spouse. It doesn’t work that way. The minute you question a man about his abusive tendencies he either gets defensive or puts on a facade and then later goes back home and abuses his wife even more. I know. It happened to me. The moment he found out I had told on him, I got belted. The day he realized I was trying to leave, I got strangled.  Every wrong move a well wisher made put me on the receiving end.  Every wrong method of dealing with the abuse gave my him more power to conceal what he had done, it helped his evil strategy, his master plan of pretending to be the innocent one.

And suddenly whatever he did was almost justified, became non existent. I became the liar, the adulteress, the provoker.

I don’t know if any of you are in a situation like this today. A situation where you aren’t believed. A situation where your abuser is seen as the victim, the nice guy and you are the horrid, irresponsible wife. I don’t know if you have been let down by the church who wants you stay in a dangerous situation rather than supporting your decision to leave. I don’t know if you’ve lost faith in all of humanity because of this. But if you are in such a situation know this.. what you are going through is real, its true and it is worthy of help. You are not a lie, you are not the cause of your pain and what your abuser is doing to you is not okay.

As you strive to make it through another day believe in yourself, find a way to find people who believe you, who are equipped to help you and reach for the freedom you so deserve. Tomorrow you will be a ray of hope to someone who has been in a situation we have been in. I write this today to let you know that you are not alone. And someday you will do the same for someone else.

Their lies will never become the truth. Period.

 

The struggle is real

” Move on. ”

” Get over it.” 

” Forgive and forget.” 

” Leave the past behind.” 

This is only some of the things people who don’t get the struggle of survivors say. As the quote in the image above so rightly says, surviving abuse is a life long struggle. Once the abuse is over, life doesn’t transform into the norm. Depending on the kind andseriousness  of the abuse, it can take years or even a life time to heal. 

Living through abuse is a struggle itself but life after abuse is another battle to be won. It gets better but it’s not easy. It takes a great deal of courage to even want to continue life after the trauma and pain. It takes strength and perseverance to get life right from the ashes. It takes will to get up everyday and brave the flashbacks, the triggers and the post trauma stress.

As a survivor I’ve battled and still battle PTSD which includes a variety of displeasing symptoms. There were moments where I myself didn’t know what I was going through and couldn’t express or explain any of it to those around me. And maybe you’re in the same place too.. Feeling hopeless, confused and lost in this big, new (for us survivors) world. But take heart it gets better. You get better, stronger and able. 

And for those of you who know survivors, be there if you’re in for the long haul. Being there for a survivor means being there for life. It means being there without expecting that he/she is going to move on on your terms or according to your timeline. Once a survivor, always a survivor so that means there is a high possibility that you’re going to have to walk alongside them as a support system for a long time to come. And that’s okay because that’s what it comes down to. 

So, if you’re a survivor, accept the rough starts and the bad days and fight them like a warrior that you are because everyday you live you win. And when you win I hope with all my heart you have an army of support celebrating the victories with you. 

Behind the veil

“If no one sheds light on what is being done in the darkness, it will never stop, and survivors will never know the truth that will set them free from the lies that keep them in bondage. Every time we bring abuse into the light, we help prevent more abuse while we help its victims heal. “

So many women appear happy beneath the mask of abuse, fear and shame. Today, there is a grave need for awareness and self-reliance. And if the victim is brave enough to walk out on her abuser, her actions should be lauded and not frowned upon by those around her.

I realised that every time I do a post on Facebook about abuse very few people engage in it. I know they are reading, pondering and probably even have a say about the issue but never openly talk about it.

For so long, domestic violence has been considered a ‘private matter,’ an issue between a husband and wife, something to be dealt with from within. In case of a marital discord I would agree with this and believe a couple is to decide if they want to get help or not and who they want to talk to. How ever I don’t think this is the the best option for a couple, one of whom is a victim of the other’s abuse.

 

Domestic violence is a dangerous issue that calls for external support from health care providers, the judicial system, the police but most importantly family and friends. When a person decides the leave their abusive marriage it is imperative that they are surrounded by compassion and resources. Sadly, in this day and age, there are more bystanders judging whether leaving is the right thing to do and offer little to no support to the victim. Leaving an abusive marriage is one of the most brave things one could do. Why? Because it is also one of the most dangerous times for a victim of abuse. This is the moment where all the threats that an abuser makes may come to life if they are caught in the act of leaving or found soon after. Therefore this is the time where people should be extending all sorts of help to the victim in ensuring he/she is able to make a safe exit plan and finally leave safely. A victim has the right to resources from family and friends that would other wise hinder her from leaving. Things brings me to say that so many women do not leave their abusive situation because they are financially dependant on their husbands, do not have a safe place to go etc.

The more we raise our voices about the issue of domestic violence whether it is in a casual conversation with friends or sharing relevant posts on social media the more we are letting silent victims out there no that what they are going through is not their fault and that help is available.

Be that person today. Be brave with us survivors and raise your voice against domestic violence. You never know who you might be helping in lifesaving way.

Salvation Day

Four years ago today was when I escaped my abusive marriage. How does it feel? Quite liberating. I still remember how it all happened and every time I think of it, I still feel the shivers running down my spine.

This was my third attempt to leave after two failed attempts so you can imagine how terrified I was of getting caught in the act. I didn’t want to do it alone and I am so grateful that I didn’t have to. For once, I had trustworthy people on my side, willing to go all the way to get me out of my situation. After a month of planning, I gave the little money that I had secretly hidden under my bed to my friends to buy me a one way ticket out of the country. It was the only way to leave because I didn’t have the liberty to just walk out. He would have found me and even worse found a way to get me back. My family wasn’t willing to fight this battle with me on my terms – they thought counselling and prayer was a better option. I knew better because I was married to this man for six long years. I knew his ways, his tactics, his lies but most of all I KNEW his abuse. And I wanted none of that anymore. I didn’t want to live only to wish I were dead. I didn’t want to cry out to God in the bathtub with the shower on everyday. I wanted to know what an appetite felt like again. I wanted to look better than pale and malnourished. I wanted to sleep well and eat well. I wanted to live again.

So even though everyone except a few were against me walking out on my marriage, I did it. Because I wanted to, I had to and I couldn’t live like that anymore. It was as good as being his prisoner/trophy wife. It was the worst. And so I got my ticket booked, got my important documents safe and gave a few things that I could to my friends to have packed for me. Most of my stuff I had to leave behind and some of those things were never returned out of sheer vengeance.

I am so grateful for the friends who helped me because without them I couldn’t have got out. I was too scared to even think of how to leave again. For years, my passport was under lock and key but the idea to try leaving again came about when I was asked to apply for a visit visa to the USA to attend a conference with his family. To my good fortune, my ex husband sent me without any supporting documents because of which the embassy asked to reapply for the visa. What I did was select a new date that was a month later even though there were appointments available earlier from that date. I bought my time. During this waiting period I just casually kept my documents including the passport with me and put on the best appearances I ever could to help keep my ex husband’s guard down and prepared myself for my escape.

As the days got nearer I couldn’t sleep or eat any better and on the day itself I feigned being unwell to avoid going to an early church service, formatted my laptop and slipped my passport into my underwear. I waited in shivers for him to pick me up from home and we rode together to the second church service. I could hardly think as we drove there but I tried to look normal, a bit sick off course. The most amazing part of that day was when an elderly couple walked in (people I had never seen or met before) and asked for the pastor. My ex husband took them into the church office next door to have a conversation. This was exactly at the time I had to leave. At first I panicked because I wondered where he was and didn’t want to bump into him on my way out but time was running and so I just casually walked out of the hall, told an usher I was going to the toilet and never returned.

I remember walking out of the church premises shaking, got into the car waiting for me (my friends were angels) with my ticket and they dropped me off to the airport. I remember gasping for my breath in the car, praying, just not knowing what to do in the frenzy. When I walked into the airport I tried to look for a familiar face but she wasn’t there so I just walked through immigration with a half empty back pack, always looking back to see if anyone was following me. I knew him to be the master mind of ‘finding out’. As soon as I got into the duty -free shopping area I scurried to find a calling booth and called my friend all the way in India. She helped gather myself together, told me I was strong and cried because I had to do this on my own. I couldn’t cry because I was in some kind of shock. I was petrified and kept wondering if this man would suddenly show up at the airport and drag me back to hell. To make matters worse my flight was delayed which was when my heart started racing. This time I thought, I’m done for. But God was and still is amazing because I did get on that flight and I flew off to a safer place. I did it. It happened.

All those years of praying and crying and asking God when finally paid off. God, as I thought, came through for me. It felt as if he parted the seas for me, made a way and didn’t let my enemies chase me. Off course once my ex husband found out I was missing he started sending me awful texts, walked into the ladies bathroom, probably threw a tantrum and then went back home to find out that my passport was gone which meant so was I.

He attempted to go to the police and got help from his friends to find out details of where I flew of to. I knew he’d do all of that. But here’s what makes me smile, even with all the information he retrieved he couldn’t touch me. The police wouldn’t help him because I, an adult left of my own accord. He tried to call people he knew to find out where I could be but no one had answers. Eventually I knew I had to come forth to officially divorce him but I needed a little time to gather my support to be able to fight this man.

Can I say how lucky I was to get picked up by a non profit organisation that my friends got in touch with on my behalf, taken to a safe place to sleep the night and the very next day I had my lawyer in place, emails going out to authorities with a statement of my leaving and my neighbourhood police station informed in case of possible threat.

So here’s to God and amazing friends or rather angels who helped me beyond belief. Here’s to freedom, to the impossible and to a ‘life’ after abuse. This brings me to say if you are in an abusive marriage right now and want to leave, you should. There is nothing more important than getting yourself away from a dangerous situation. So gather your support, plan a safe exit, keep up appearance while you’re doing it and when the time is right just leave. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a penny in your pocket or if you can’t carry your clothes with you. At this point having your important documents is all that matters and the rest will work itself out somehow, someway. I remember how I was willing to choose poverty over abuse but for the amount of cruelty we suffer, we are paid back graciously. Have faith. Take the leap. You will be okay.

 

 

 

 

Unashamed

The road to freedom has only begun when you have escaped the greatest despair. The start is always the hardest yet the wind of liberation blows on you. “Live again,” it says.

Let not the past defeat your spirit nor let your mind tire. Take a moment and breathe. Recover from the strenuous accomplishment of breaking away. Gasp for liberty and life. Come awake.

Take pride in your strength to turn on a new leaf, to leave the known behind for what you do not foresee. Each step you take no matter how small is the mark of victory. You choose not to be beaten by what has been eaten away, knowing one day you will be filled again.

You lean not on the words and support of loved ones and friends, but on the hope of the future. You stand boldly before your scars and insecurities and walk over them, triumphantly. You are a fighter to say that you can… that you can and will wake up to a new day and walk on. You may tire but you are never defeated for what it’s worth.

Your courage is to be praised for no one would want to brave risk on their own. But here you are, overlooking possibilities and the unfamiliar boldly. You wear a smile in spite of what you have yet to attain once more. Your years have not been wasted, nor your spirit crushed to give life a chance once again. It is a valour and fortitude to be hopeful.. to believe tirelessly.

No, you do not drown in pity and despair of why you had to experience the storm before you could see freedom. You may never be the same again. You may be afraid and unusual. Yet you are special and tenacious to find your feet and soar to new heights.

You are ready even though you have felt robbed. Think of it as only pain & injustice that has been taken away in exchange for beauty, peace & joy.

Healing

“Under proper conditions, one hundred percent of survivors can heal. Survivors are like seedlings. With proper conditions—light, air, warmth, food, and water—plants grow. Survivors are the same way. When their desire to heal is met with information, skilled support, and a safe environment, they begin to grow in ways they never dreamed possible.” – Allies in Healing by Laura Davis

Count On Me

Not too long ago, I escaped an abusive marriage. I fled over the miles to find peace, refuge, and security. It is by far the bravest thing I have done, besides not giving up on life in the midst of the turmoil and unrelenting darkness that surrounded me all those years. Growing up in an environment where abuse was seen as a norm, I had pushed away the warning signs that this relationship was no good for me. In fact, I blamed myself and thought I deserved to be treated badly—to be punished for my mistakes. Most often, I ignored the still, small voice in my heart that yearned to bring me comfort and remind me that I was not alone.

To deal with the pain of abuse and rejection, I developed an addiction to alcohol. It seemed like this was my only escape from reality. Having more than a few drinks was the only way to ease the pain of the emotional hurt, negligence, and crazy games within my relationship. For me, it seemed like the only way to survive and get through another night. Kept away from the counsel of my family and friends, I had no one I could freely open up to with the assurance of receiving help. I woke up each day with a sense of terror from the nightmares that stole my sleep at night. Sitting in fear all day of what would happen next, I could hardly ever eat. I withdrew from people even more, kept to myself, and was consumed by depression, accompanied often by fantasies of death.

A month after my second attempt to kill myself, I met two wonderful people who became life-changing friends. With their help, I was able to get away from the abuse and danger, and I soon found solace in a non-profit in New Delhi called Maitri India. Maitri is a humanitarian and developmental organization that is committed to facilitating citizenship rights, basic services, dignity, and respect for some of the most vulnerable populations. I was lucky to find them, as the support they have given me is beyond what they even promise to do. Not only did I have their help as a domestic violence survivor, but I was also given the opportunity to creatively be a part of the work they do in bringing care and support to those in need.

I still struggle with depression and pangs of anxiety each time I am in a new situation I wasn’t allowed to experience before. It was never easy being in the trauma of abuse, feeling like my heart weighed so much that I couldn’t even find the strength to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor. Even now, far from such pain, it still isn’t easy; my mind is so used to believing there is always something to be afraid or hyper vigilant about. However, with support from new friends, community, and God, I am able to overcome. Today, I choose to believe differently. With help and hard work, life is hopeful.

I urge you today to be that friend who believes in the stories of those who need to count on you. If you don’t know what to do, perhaps you can find someone who does. And if you are the one hiding behind the pain of fear and abuse, help is possible. Never give up.

Going solo

So here’s the thing you need to remember when you feel like you’re in this alone. You’re not. It is imperative that you build your own support system. There are going to be tons of people who are just mesmerised by your story or crave soap and they will be inclined to knowing what happened and when – keep them the hell away from you. These are the folks who just get moved with emotion and make you feel like they want to help. But they don’t. They’re the ones who will say ” You should have told me. I would have helped.” “Let me know if you need any support.” You ask them like they asked you to and you’re greeted with silence or rather un-actioned words. Tragic.

What you need at this point is love, absolute perseverance and understanding. You don’t need “move on,” “forgive and forget” and “you are strong, you can get over it.” This shit is not for us. It’s the worst thing to hear – makes me want to take my burden and transfer it to their lives and then have them give recommendations. I’m not trying to say that others haven’t gone through their own battles. They have. And this goes to say that each person knows their own pain so well and people who have gone through similar paths will empathise better with each other. So it’s not anyone’s fault when they don’t understand. But it would just help if they just zipped up.

There will be only a handful of angels who will be there for you when you make your decision to leave/or stay in your abusive marriage. These are the ones who will risk their sanity and life for your wellbeing and safety. These are the ones who don’t stupidly think that their “future generations will be cursed for trying to end a marriage” as they have supposedly read in the Bible. They are the ones who actually have open eyes and see abuse for what it is and support your decision to take flight because that is what’s best for you. They are the ones who will go out of their way and risk their reputation for your sake. We can’t do it alone. I never could have got out of my abusive marriage without these angels. I was terrified so much so that I couldn’t think. But they helped me and gave me the courage to do the impossible that I so badly desired – to leave.

And then you will come to this point in your life after you have left where you have to start life from scratch. This is when you see everyone else miles ahead building houses and living the life while you’re in the pit trying to figure out who you are, how to open a bank account and simply have an identity. Find your people at this point, embrace the help you deserve and just focus on you. Don’t look around because you’ll only crumble and wonder how you’re going to make it to where everyone else is in the state that you are and with the means that you have. Be strong during the times where you don’t know how or when or why. It’s okay to be angry at your abuser and at the people who never helped nor helping you now. It will all work out. Grace will find you during these tough times of existence. You just have to push through.

As for me, I’m still in a place of transition. I’ve been blessed to have friends who held my hand as I walked out of my hell of a life. And after that I’ve been blessed to have advocates, health care professionals and colleagues who have supported me beyond just words. I have felt alone at night, when I’ve slept in an empty apartment even after bolting the front door with three different locks. I’ve felt petrified on the middle of a dark street, waiting for an auto rickshaw to take me home in dangerous Delhi. The pangs of depression have engulfed me on a Sunday afternoon when I’ve wanted to go to the mall to just get myself out of the house but couldn’t. And worst of all, I almost made the same mistake twice when with another abusive relationship soon after.

So hang in there, be strong with me, be angry and frustrated but be strong nonetheless. We have to. We have to live this second chance out. I’m not sure how but we have to somehow, someway until we finally see better days.