It’s been a while since we’ve spoken and I don’t care if you’re doing okay. I wonder though, if you can finally sleep at night after everything you’ve done. How do you live with the lies and the deceit. How do you do it?
I’m still angry at you for everything you did to me and are still doing to me even though you aren’t near me. I want to forgive and forget but I don’t know when I could ever forgive you and forgetting, haha, that can’t ever happen. Even if I don’t think of you, you suck the life out of my dreams. You show up even still, in the light of who I always knew you to be.
Sometimes I wish I could have left my brains behind along with everything else that I couldn’t take with me when I left you. But then again, I’m grateful I have my mind for the sake of the lessons I’ve learnt.
I used to thank you before, thank you for making me strong and making me the person I am today. And then I realised you deserve no credit. I did it! I am who I am today because of my self, my strength and my courage. Not you.
And oh, what unwelcoming things you have left me with – anxiety, depression, paranoia, stress, insecurity, sadness, anger. Shouldn’t you be the bearer of it all?
Every time I get asked why I am on medication, or why I never completed my education I want to take a microphone and scream out loud, “because of you!” Every time I grieve the loss of my living mother and the years of my life that have been wasted, I think of you.
I’ve moved on but I’m still broken. I’m happy but I still struggle. I fight but I still feel weak. I live but some days I don’t want to. I don’t trust people enough, I don’t love enough, I don’t believe myself enough. I worry more than I should. I cry more than I should. I give the people I love a hard time. Because of you. All because of you.
And the lies youve told the world about me, the ones you declared with tears, YOU know more than anyone it isn’t true. But you still lied to protect yourself and you still do.
I still blame myself for the mistakes I made but never for the abuse I suffered at your hands. I barely made it through but I made it and even better I made it out of there, out of your impossible grip. I made it. I did. Can you believe it?
Because of you I lost my years, my friends, my family. Because of you I hurt people who understood me. Because of you I put people in situations they didn’t deserve to be in.
But in spite of all the pain I’m still in I hope you got the help you needed and I hope you have the gal to be honest about yourself. I hope you know that what you did to me and many other innocent people isn’t okay, isn’t justifiable and isn’t forgotten. It lives in us and always will. We are a testament of survival, courage and strength.
They say people like you never change but for the sake of those around you, I hope you do. I’ve changed because of you. I’m fighting to change back into who I’m meant to be. Free of what you made me. I don’t know how. But I know I will.
Memoirs of a survivor 